No surprises here.

So I haven't really blogged in the last month or two. Why, because I have been working like a fiend, and with the Bah-humbug season in full effect.

And if, by chance, you totally missed my sentiments for the holidays....

I mean, it wasn't sooooo bad. I got to see a bunch of my nieces and nephews. But it's also a time when I am reminded of the ones I can't see, or won't see.

Of my brothers and sisters I can't see during the holidays.

And that makes me sad.

And THEN, if that wasn't enough....

I have been pretty lonely for the last couple of months.

I'm partially to blame for it though.

I had a procedure done, shortly after meeting the fellah that was taking up my last few blogs. Which put me out of condition for a little while.

But when I was able to see him... Schedules didn't match up, I was busy, he was busy.

The other day I pretty much invited myself over.... And I haven't really heard from him since.

Read between the lines?

I should probably do that eh?

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. And what are my plans?

There aren't any plans.

My kids have more plans than I do.

I will be spending New Years, like Christmas, alone.

Like so many  years before, like  many years to come.

I don't understand.....

Too much or too little to write?

I don't even know the date of my last blog.

But I know for a fact a LOT has transpired since then. And then at the same time, not much has happened since then.

My son, his pregnant girlfriend and their dog moved out.

To make it short, they didn't like how often and loudly I complained and bitched about the filth left around the house. And the behaviour of the "girl" and me having wars with her.

I got sick and tired of cleaning up after a dog that wasn't mine. Period. And two GROWN "adults".

It was out of control. I was out of the house for 21 hours, and I came home to a pig sty. I yelled and screamed until the house was back in order.

My daughter has been driving me nuts lately. To the point where I had to break down and get a hold of her biological father and pretty much beg him for help with her.

I have had some minor issues with the youngest son. And I'm hoping to nip that in the butt/bud? real quick.

And then there is man problems. I have men who try to talk to me. But in old deleted blogs, my history would of shown, I always give 100%. From go. I don't like to talk to more than one guy at a time in order to maintain the fact that I gave 100% of me from start to finish. Blah blah blah.

I have noticed the phone calls have slowed down and become shorter. I have noticed the dynamics of our phone calls have changed.

And to be real, when I'm there, there isn't much in the way of sexual contact. I mean there is minor hand holding and the random kiss. But....

I feel like I'm losing my happy place.

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!

Sooooo... It's that dreaded day of the year. The day where I officially turn one year older than I was yesterday.

I want to go to my dad's house.

On my birthday.

I wonder if today should be, or is, the day.

My heart is racing as I write that. I  just texted my brother to see if my dad works.

I want to see if he knows today is my birthday.

Sick and Tired

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

More specifically, of the 'going ons' in my in my house.

The kids are all old enough now. 12-19. With three of them living at home. One with his 21 year old pregnant girlfriend, and their beastly, shedding dog.

I am so tired of repeating myself over and over again.

-keep the dog off the furniture
-don't eat outside the kitchen
-no food in the bedrooms
-clean up your dirty dishes
-put the toilet paper on the holder!
-put the skateboard away
-put your shoes away
-.........

I could seriously go on for a while....

I have been a single mom for almost my entire parenting 'career'.

I don't get every other weekend off. I don't share custody with anyone. I barely get child support.

I have been here, for almost 20 years. Me, myself and I.

My ex-husband.... does what he can.

But I don't get the luxury of walking away from my responsibilities like the 2 prior dead beats before him.

I am so sick and tired of repeating myself.

When do I get a break? When do the kids that are here, start listening? When do they start doing? Where does the respect come....?

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

I wish some days, that I didn't have to come home to this house.

..... I shouldn't feel this way. Period.

I love my kids. More than life. But I don't love the way they are behaving.

I wish I could play the absent dad role.

I wish I could have a break.

But that doesn't happen.  Not in my world. I am here. I always will be.

I just need this stage of parenting to go faster. Cuz this.... this sucks.

What a long week!

Or so it felt anyways.

It started off as the tail end of a long weekend. So it should of been a short week!

I guess it's because I worked today. I work every other Saturday. Always the Saturday after payday! UGH! So it makes for a long weekend.

It's almost my birthday. It's just a few days away. I will be 37 this birthday. And I am momentarily feeling old. Although in my day to day life, I feel like I'm in my 20's.

No plans of course for the 'big day'.

I can secretly hope for a bunch of wonderful surprises though.

HAAAA!!! Who am I kidding?

At least I don't have to work on my birthday!! YAY!! Bonus!

But.... wouldn't it be nice if I spent my birthday.....

Ahhhh... A girl can dream!

My baby boy is officially a tween!

I am starting to feel old.

My youngest son turned 12 years old today. 

12!! TWELVE years old! He will be a teenager next year!

I remember giving birth to him like it was yesterday. And the five days prior to that. FYI, I was in labour with my son for 114 hours, and 39 minutes. Five long, LONG days! And he was 9 pounds, 9.5 ounces. And I used no medication to assist in his natural delivery. 

If I had him first, he would of been an only child. FOR SURE!

So today he got all the skateboard gear that he asked for, and then some. And of course, an ice cream cake. 

My baby is getting big! He already has a deepness in his voice, and this year alone he has grown about 4-5 inches. 

Ahhhhhh! I wish kids would stay babies longer than they did big kids. 

Happy Birthday TT. Mommy loves you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, and 1317691024 x 234237896725892437479 plus a million. 

May you always lead a virtuous, healthy, happy and wonderful life. 

So this was my "Thanksgiving"

I don't even know where to start... And as I start... I get "that text". Hahaha, be right back.

I might get sidetracked here with a phone call momentarily. Which I should actually put off for about 15-20 minutes so I can deal with my two younger kids, and getting them off to bed.

Which is one of the reasons I wanted to blog today.

I am noticing my one and only lovely daughter, whom I love with all of my heart, seems to like to push my buttons and talk to me like I am her worst enemy.

As hard as I try with her, she always finds ways to make our relationship almost unbearable some days. For instance, the other night she had permission to sleep at her Aunt T's house.... To make a long story short, her and her cousin Sam, went off to the other side of the city, came in late, and proceeded to get high at her Aunts house, and quite possibly IN her Aunts house.

So ensued the punishment, and in turn a fight between her and I. And it verbally gets out of control. She swears and yells, demeans and bullies. She has the mouth of a 45 year old hardened male prisoner. And quite honestly she brings me to tears far too many times that I care to admit to.

And it may be T.M.I. but she is having a 'visitor' of sorts right now. And she does become extremely moody around 'this time of the month'.

Anyways.... she wants her cell phone back. And she had her cable box and xbox taken away as well. I begrudgingly gave back the xbox after she seriously cleaned her room up. Like.... SERIOUSLY cleaned her room up.

So today Sam was over, and Anika wanted her phone. I told her no, several times, because she asked several times, and then started with her name calling and rudeness. So after being told, don't ask for it again until I give it back, several hours later she tries again. When I tell her to give me the charger, I will charge the phone for her, she automatically flips out and immediately says "I hate you" three times, and tells me to shut up, I never listen to her.

I am so tired of this behaviour. She clearly stated to me today "I don't just talk to you like this when anyone else is around, I talk to you like this all the time" in response to me telling her NOT to talk to me in the manner that she was just because Sam was here.

So I send her to her room. And she goes downstairs, makes a bowl of mashed potatoes and sits in the living room and eats.... I remind her a few minutes later why I sent her to her room, and she said, If I am starving, clearly I should eat. Now by NO MEANS is my daughter starving. EVER. She went off with some more verbal crap....

SIGH!!! I need more phone time with my fellah. Whom I have briefly put off to get them off to bed.

Which brings me to the second reason why I wanted to blog. I spent the night with him last night. I went to his place.... obviously as it is FAR too soon for him to meet the kids. Although I went back to when we started talking. It's almost been a month. But it feels like a LOT longer than that.

So I got home around lunch today. And I think we have spent all but 2 hours on the phone since I have been home. Which led to his current text, of whats up stranger. I asked him if he is sick of me yet.... No.

I thought for some reason, last night was a disaster. I apparently, am wrong. Because if it was, he most certainly wouldn't of been on my phone all day since I've been home.

And quite honestly.... if all goes well...I am hoping to sneak in a visit with him tomorrow.