It's my BIRTHDAY!!!

Sooooo... It's that dreaded day of the year. The day where I officially turn one year older than I was yesterday.

I want to go to my dad's house.

On my birthday.

I wonder if today should be, or is, the day.

My heart is racing as I write that. I  just texted my brother to see if my dad works.

I want to see if he knows today is my birthday.

Sick and Tired

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

More specifically, of the 'going ons' in my in my house.

The kids are all old enough now. 12-19. With three of them living at home. One with his 21 year old pregnant girlfriend, and their beastly, shedding dog.

I am so tired of repeating myself over and over again.

-keep the dog off the furniture
-don't eat outside the kitchen
-no food in the bedrooms
-clean up your dirty dishes
-put the toilet paper on the holder!
-put the skateboard away
-put your shoes away
-.........

I could seriously go on for a while....

I have been a single mom for almost my entire parenting 'career'.

I don't get every other weekend off. I don't share custody with anyone. I barely get child support.

I have been here, for almost 20 years. Me, myself and I.

My ex-husband.... does what he can.

But I don't get the luxury of walking away from my responsibilities like the 2 prior dead beats before him.

I am so sick and tired of repeating myself.

When do I get a break? When do the kids that are here, start listening? When do they start doing? Where does the respect come....?

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

I wish some days, that I didn't have to come home to this house.

..... I shouldn't feel this way. Period.

I love my kids. More than life. But I don't love the way they are behaving.

I wish I could play the absent dad role.

I wish I could have a break.

But that doesn't happen.  Not in my world. I am here. I always will be.

I just need this stage of parenting to go faster. Cuz this.... this sucks.

What a long week!

Or so it felt anyways.

It started off as the tail end of a long weekend. So it should of been a short week!

I guess it's because I worked today. I work every other Saturday. Always the Saturday after payday! UGH! So it makes for a long weekend.

It's almost my birthday. It's just a few days away. I will be 37 this birthday. And I am momentarily feeling old. Although in my day to day life, I feel like I'm in my 20's.

No plans of course for the 'big day'.

I can secretly hope for a bunch of wonderful surprises though.

HAAAA!!! Who am I kidding?

At least I don't have to work on my birthday!! YAY!! Bonus!

But.... wouldn't it be nice if I spent my birthday.....

Ahhhh... A girl can dream!

My baby boy is officially a tween!

I am starting to feel old.

My youngest son turned 12 years old today. 

12!! TWELVE years old! He will be a teenager next year!

I remember giving birth to him like it was yesterday. And the five days prior to that. FYI, I was in labour with my son for 114 hours, and 39 minutes. Five long, LONG days! And he was 9 pounds, 9.5 ounces. And I used no medication to assist in his natural delivery. 

If I had him first, he would of been an only child. FOR SURE!

So today he got all the skateboard gear that he asked for, and then some. And of course, an ice cream cake. 

My baby is getting big! He already has a deepness in his voice, and this year alone he has grown about 4-5 inches. 

Ahhhhhh! I wish kids would stay babies longer than they did big kids. 

Happy Birthday TT. Mommy loves you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, and 1317691024 x 234237896725892437479 plus a million. 

May you always lead a virtuous, healthy, happy and wonderful life. 

So this was my "Thanksgiving"

I don't even know where to start... And as I start... I get "that text". Hahaha, be right back.

I might get sidetracked here with a phone call momentarily. Which I should actually put off for about 15-20 minutes so I can deal with my two younger kids, and getting them off to bed.

Which is one of the reasons I wanted to blog today.

I am noticing my one and only lovely daughter, whom I love with all of my heart, seems to like to push my buttons and talk to me like I am her worst enemy.

As hard as I try with her, she always finds ways to make our relationship almost unbearable some days. For instance, the other night she had permission to sleep at her Aunt T's house.... To make a long story short, her and her cousin Sam, went off to the other side of the city, came in late, and proceeded to get high at her Aunts house, and quite possibly IN her Aunts house.

So ensued the punishment, and in turn a fight between her and I. And it verbally gets out of control. She swears and yells, demeans and bullies. She has the mouth of a 45 year old hardened male prisoner. And quite honestly she brings me to tears far too many times that I care to admit to.

And it may be T.M.I. but she is having a 'visitor' of sorts right now. And she does become extremely moody around 'this time of the month'.

Anyways.... she wants her cell phone back. And she had her cable box and xbox taken away as well. I begrudgingly gave back the xbox after she seriously cleaned her room up. Like.... SERIOUSLY cleaned her room up.

So today Sam was over, and Anika wanted her phone. I told her no, several times, because she asked several times, and then started with her name calling and rudeness. So after being told, don't ask for it again until I give it back, several hours later she tries again. When I tell her to give me the charger, I will charge the phone for her, she automatically flips out and immediately says "I hate you" three times, and tells me to shut up, I never listen to her.

I am so tired of this behaviour. She clearly stated to me today "I don't just talk to you like this when anyone else is around, I talk to you like this all the time" in response to me telling her NOT to talk to me in the manner that she was just because Sam was here.

So I send her to her room. And she goes downstairs, makes a bowl of mashed potatoes and sits in the living room and eats.... I remind her a few minutes later why I sent her to her room, and she said, If I am starving, clearly I should eat. Now by NO MEANS is my daughter starving. EVER. She went off with some more verbal crap....

SIGH!!! I need more phone time with my fellah. Whom I have briefly put off to get them off to bed.

Which brings me to the second reason why I wanted to blog. I spent the night with him last night. I went to his place.... obviously as it is FAR too soon for him to meet the kids. Although I went back to when we started talking. It's almost been a month. But it feels like a LOT longer than that.

So I got home around lunch today. And I think we have spent all but 2 hours on the phone since I have been home. Which led to his current text, of whats up stranger. I asked him if he is sick of me yet.... No.

I thought for some reason, last night was a disaster. I apparently, am wrong. Because if it was, he most certainly wouldn't of been on my phone all day since I've been home.

And quite honestly.... if all goes well...I am hoping to sneak in a visit with him tomorrow.

And then I realized....

That this will be a Thanksgiving that for the first time in almost 37 years... I will not be spending with my family.

Wow.... as the harsh reality of it is now just setting in, I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes....

I did get a last minute invite from my Uncle Dennis.

But.... Sigh, I chose not to go, because.... UGH, I have OCD. And over the last few years, it has gotten worse.

I almost have to plan certain things, in advance. I have this "thing" with needing to know the particulars. IE: Who, What, Where, When, How, Times, and other minor details. It's pretty pathetic actually. And really, there is not much I can do to stop that train of thought. Or other things that 'drive me nuts'.

BLAH....

So my mom had a gastric bi-pass about two weeks ago. So she is recovering still. Although her and my step-dad are going to my brothers in-laws for something small.

My "other dad" yea.... well he doesn't invite me to 'shit'. I got the phone call from his wife the other day, to make plans to celebrate our birthdays (mine and TT's) and my "little" sister will be able to make it, but its going to be in about a week and a half. But no mention of Thanksgiving. I have pretty much given up on having a real relationship with that side of my family.

I made mistakes as a teenager. And I feel like... They gave up. Stopped trying. I'm not gonna get into it. But "they" make me feel unwanted. The pity invites... BLAH!

And then of course my biological parents are a complete write off.

And with the multitude of brothers and sisters I have....

So ya.... Thanksgiving this year... sucks SHIT. Only two of my kids, maybe three will be around tomorrow for when I cook my turkey.

But as much as it sucks shit.... I am still thankful. I still feel blessed. I can see, breathe, feel, touch, smell, walk, talk, love.... I have my kids, my health... and what little bit of family I can be with, and love. Who make me feel wanted.

I have an amazing group of friends.... My friend T.M.(my hair dresser friend) just sent me a message on Facebook, as an addendum to her Thanksgiving status. And it was only a few words long. But it also, made my eyes well up. To be short about it, I gave her and another friend a bunch of stuff for their babies. And she sent me a note to say she's thankful for me, my hand me downs, and the treat bags I bring for her kids whenever I am there.

IT'S THAT SMALL STUFF.... Who ever said you can't PICK your family... If it could be legal... A LOT of my friends are more of family to me than my own family....

So for that, I am truly thankful.

Thanksgiving weekend....

I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

My kids, my family, my health, my friends. The fact that I am happy with life right now.

I am in a happy place. The one thing I always thought I would never find...

Even if it's only for right now. I am happy.

I was hoping to see my fellah... But so far this weekend, that hasn't happened. But on a plus side, we spend so much time on the phone it's as if we are together. I mean today, so far, cuz I am only blogging because he is in the shower... BECAUSE we even stayed on the phone while he cut his hair. We spend endless hours on the phone.

And he constantly makes references to feeling like he is in high school again. And the great, amazing, wonderful thing is... so do I.

I truly enjoy every minute I spend with him on the phone. And when I am at work, and can't talk to him, and I have a few moments... he is always on my mind.

It's weird. I love the connection I feel with him. And yet, we have only had one night. And countless hours on the phone. Way too many. I know I have been running on fumes since the day we started talking. But when I say that I am not complaining. Because I get this rush when I am on the phone with him.

He said it a few minutes ago... It's not like we have to talk, just to be on the phone with each other, to know that the other one is on the other end of the phone....

He says everything a woman/girl wants to/needs to hear. He says all of the right things... just perfectly. And I hold back. And I know he knows I do.

I told him today he should of been home earlier and invited me over. I miss his physical company. I miss him. Wow... I miss him. After one night.

And if I was to write like I was in high school...

I frikken miss his juicy lips. (As he just texted me to say he is out of the shower...) So forget the blogging, I'm taking the phone call :P

Late night phone calls... again...

I was so tired last night. At one point I though I was going to fall asleep on the phone with him.

And then... I got my second wind. And was on the phone with him til almost 0130 hours.

Boy oh boy did I pay for it today.

I am so tired. I feel like I have a hangover. And I don't drink. Often.

I have to work in the morning. And I'm ready for bed now. UGH! He's not available for a call for another hour or so. So, tonight, no late night phone calls for me.

On a whole other topic. The "big kids", meaning my oldest son, and his girlfriend, and their dog, have been MIA for going on four nights now. No phone call, no stop in, no text. No nothing.

Now normally I would  worry. But I know "she" is using social media, "he" is still going to work, (I spoke to his "boss", my uncle)

But common courtesy would say, let the person you are staying with know whats going on?

I'm definitely not chasing them down to come back here. For a few reasons.

I'm enjoying the quiet, and the lack of nauseating smell that seems to emit from my sons pores in a disgusting manner.

It's the little things...

Like a five minute call, just because.

I had a pretty long day at work today, even though it didn't feel like that, until the last 3 hours of my shift. The walk home seemed to take forever. I typically walk down the Bruce Trail to get home. It normally takes about 20 minutes or so.

And today.... it felt like the trail just kept going. That I would never see the break in the trail, where the main road passes through it. (How unnatural that sounded as I typed it)

I made it home... And I realized by the way my bones ached, that I am probably having a low iron day, *note to self, go take a pill!

The kids for whatever reason, seem to drive me extra nuts today, even though they are doing nothing that they don't ordinarily do every day. It just seems to bother me today.

Bedtime can't come soon enough for them!

And then in the midst of it, my lil fellah calls, just to say hi, see whats up, tell me whats up, and get back to business five minutes later.

It's those things... that make me happy.

I didn't talk to him much  yesterday. I fell asleep pretty early. So I told him I would try and stay up to take his call when he's done work.

Let's see if I make it!

A quiet week, fo'sho!

It truly has been.

I've talked to my fellah almost every day since I've seen him. Minus the one day. *Le sigh*

Not that I'm keeping track or anything. HA! I haven't officially had another invite open, although we've talked about it. Let alone talking about days or weeks even years from now.

Don't get it twisted, we are NOT talking about getting married or anything, just slick comments in conversation. Flirtatious innuendos.

I'd definitely like to hang out with him again. Although I'm not really pushing the matter because I don't want to feel exactly like that, pushy.

Even though he did say a while ago he feeds off of others vibes. Sooooo...we'll see.

The house has  been quiet even with the extra "children" living here with Millie, the dog. Although it would be nice in general if ALL the kids who live here would tidy up after themselves... You know... the usual! Teenage kids (for the most part) leaving their 'stuff' everywhere. ALWAYS!

Ahhhh one day.... They will ALL be moved out, and my house will be just that.... MY HOUSE. No mess, no chaos, no disorder....

But until then... I'm a maid.

Waiting for the phone to ring

Is that sad?

I'm sitting here, waiting to hear from him. I know he had to work til 9 or so. It's going on 10. I don't want to call him, knowing he has things to wrap up and do. And because I feel like I am annoying him.

I want to call him, but...

Wow I feel like a 'winner'.

*Sigh*

I don't want to go to bed without talking to him.

Just saying...

Dear sweet Mama Rita

One of the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful women I know, is affectionately known as Mama Rita.

I love her as much as I love my own mother.

Mama Rita is a dear friend of mines mother. Mama Rita had a quadruple bypass a couple of years ago, almost to the day.

Upon Rita's return home after her surgery, I was asked by my friend if I would care for her and ensure she got to her appointments, and she was well taken care of. This I did with all of my heart. Rita has become part of my family.

Her husband, my 'boss man', recently passed away. And now Rita, is going to live with some family in New Market. But will be going home to Barbados for a few months. I will miss her terribly.

Today I went over to have lunch with her. I took her some beef roti. Something she loves, and hasn't had in a long time. It was a nice treat, and visit.

I promised to bring Anika to see her next week before she moves to New Market. Anika affectionately calls her Granny Rita.

I have learned so much from Rita over the years. Kindness, compassion, patience, how to be humble, and when to learn to bite my tongue on a few occasions.

I would do anything in the world for her.

My beloved Mama Rita, I love you, and I will miss you terribly. But it's a wonderful reason to go to Barbados!!